Cheesecake Factory Announces Voluntary Submission to Sharia Law Following Democratic Midterm Victory
Terrified executive assures incoming authorities that restaurant chain has never opposed Islamic governance.
BEVERLY HILLS, November 4, 2026 — The Cheesecake Factory announced Wednesday that it would immediately begin operating under Sharia law, becoming the first major American restaurant chain to submit voluntarily to the Islamic government its executives believe will follow Tuesday's Democratic midterm victories.
"We wish to assure the new authorities that the Cheesecake Factory has always respected Islam and has never knowingly opposed the Caliphate," said Gerald P. Whitcomb, Executive Vice President of Regulatory Compliance, visibly trembling behind a podium bearing the company's new slogan: Allah Is Great. Our Portions Are Greater.
Whitcomb outlined sweeping reforms. Alcohol sales would cease immediately, bacon would be eliminated, and all 250 varieties of cheesecake would undergo religious review. The company's famously enormous menu would be translated into Arabic, increasing its length to an estimated 600 pages.
Employees would receive corporate-approved head coverings and instructions to greet customers with enthusiastic declarations of "Allahu Akbar!" Five daily prayer breaks would be mandatory, pending clarification of whether Mecca was east or west of corporate headquarters.
"We have appointed a Grand Ayatollah of Menu Compliance," Whitcomb announced. "He's our former regional vice president for Nevada. He vacationed in Dubai once."
When reporters asked which government agency had ordered the changes, Whitcomb began sweating profusely.
"Please don't make me answer that. I have grandchildren."
A Muslim journalist asked whether Whitcomb understood that no Islamic government had been elected and that nobody was demanding religious compliance from American restaurants.
"That's precisely what makes this so frightening," Whitcomb whispered.
The executive concluded by announcing that the company's board had voted unanimously to dissolve itself in anticipation of religious tribunals.
"We thought it best to get ahead of the executions."
A reporter assured him that no executions were planned.
Whitcomb stared at the man in horror.
"Then how the hell do you explain the Democrats winning?"