White House Declares Gasoline Free As Prices Near $5 Nationwide

WASHINGTON, DC — Under pressure from rising oil prices tied to his optional war with Iran, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that gasoline would now be “completely free,” a declaration administration officials described as “immediate, total, and not subject to interpretation.”

The order took effect immediately.

Reality declined to participate.

Within minutes, gas stations continued charging between $4.79 and $4.97 per gallon.

Drivers expecting relief instead encountered identical pricing displays, sometimes paired with messages reading “COST: ZERO (PATRIOT ADJUSTED).”

“It says free,” said one Ohio man, staring at a $100 receipt. “But my bank app also says $100.”

Confusion escalated into anger as customers shouted, argued, and searched for the “free setting.”

Supporters arrived with screenshots as proof their tanks should fill themselves patriotically.

“He made it free,” one woman shouted. “If this machine says otherwise, it’s probably Antifa.”

The DOJ announced charges against oil companies for “Conspiracy to Do Math.”

“We’ve documented addition, subtraction—even multiplication,” said the Attorney General. “That’s coordinated behavior.”

Officials alleged a “distributed equation network” overriding federal policy.

Some drivers insisted gas was free “in principle.” Others checked their bank balances.

Oil companies responded: “We are not aware of any mechanism by which gasoline can be distributed without the use of math.”

They were immediately charged again.

Officials later clarified that gasoline remains free, and any evidence to the contrary is interference from Joe Biden and Barack Obama.