AMERICA ACHIEVES PERFECT PRESS FREEDOM; WHITE HOUSE REPORTS ZERO NEGATIVE COVERAGE

WASHINGTON — The White House announced Saturday that the United States has achieved 100 percent press freedom following implementation of new access standards that prevent troublesome members of the press from accessing the White House.

Officials called the results historic.

“For decades Americans were told a free press required journalists to question the government,” Press Secretary Amanda Liberty said. “Unfortunately, nobody stopped to ask whether the government enjoyed being questioned.”

The reforms address that oversight.

Under the new Presidential Press Freedom Protection Program, journalists remain completely free to report anything they wish. The administration remains equally free to determine whether those journalists are journalists, whether their journalism constitutes journalism, and whether allowing them near government officials might endanger journalism.

The results were immediate.

According to White House statistics, hostile questions inside the building have fallen 100 percent.

Unfair follow-ups are down 100 percent.

Administration officials caught contradicting themselves declined an astonishing 100 percent.

Public confidence among reporters permitted into the building now stands at 100 percent.

Officials credited the success to Evidence-Based Journalism, a revolutionary system under which media organizations repeatedly producing negative coverage are removed from the statistical sample until confidence improves.

“This is science,” Liberty explained.

Several patriotic media organizations applauded the reforms, noting that authoritarian governments suppress journalists, whereas the United States merely identifies journalists threatening freedom and prevents them from practicing journalism near the government.

“That distinction is what separates America from dictatorships,” said constitutional analyst Brock Eagleton. “In North Korea the government controls the press. Here the press controls itself after the government explains what happens if it doesn’t.”

CNN and other excluded organizations protested the policy, but administration officials said their objections actually demonstrated how much freedom remained.

“They're criticizing us right now,” Liberty noted. “Would a dictatorship allow that?”

Asked whether those organizations would regain White House access, Liberty smiled.

“No.”

Officials said additional press-freedom reforms are already under consideration.

By next month, reporters attending briefings may submit questions electronically for advance approval. Journalists receiving three rejected questions will receive complimentary enrollment in a government seminar titled Understanding Why You're the Problem.

The administration expects negative White House coverage to reach historic lows.

Asked who would independently verify those numbers, Liberty appeared confused.

“We already did.”