FBI Accidentally Launches Nationwide “Second Chance for Goatfuckers” Recruitment Campaign
Patel insists bureau is not specifically seeking goatfuckers after applications surge 11,000 percent.
FBI's Patel defends change in 'bestiality' hiring practice as lawmakers seek answers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel insisted Tuesday that the bureau is not actively recruiting goatfuckers after an internal effort to explain revised hiring standards accidentally became the most successful federal recruitment campaign in decades.
The trouble began when Patel ordered FBI Human Resources to communicate that certain past conduct would no longer automatically disqualify applicants without considering circumstances.
HR developed the slogan:
YOUR PAST DOESN'T DEFINE YOU. YOUR FUTURE COULD BE FBI.
Unfortunately, the campaign's first billboard appeared beside a photograph of a goat.
Within six hours, applications increased 11,000 percent.
“We are not recruiting goatfuckers,” Patel told reporters.
Nobody had asked whether they were.
“Let me be extremely clear about that.”
Reporters began writing.
Patel then clarified that the FBI welcomed qualified Americans from diverse backgrounds but maintained “very high standards regarding livestock.”
Asked what those standards were, Patel looked toward an aide.
The aide looked toward the floor.
By afternoon, the bureau had established an emergency Office of Animal-Adjacent Applicant Review staffed by 43 agents and one veterinarian who repeatedly insisted he had misunderstood the assignment.
The crisis worsened after FBI recruiters distributed pamphlets reading THERE'S MORE TO YOU THAN ONE BAD NIGHT at the Iowa State Fair.
Applications doubled again.
Patel blamed the media.
“You people took a compassionate, reasonable policy and turned it into some kind of goat thing,” he said beneath an FBI recruitment banner featuring a smiling rancher.
The rancher was immediately removed.
By evening, senators demanded to know whether sheep were covered by the revised standards.
Patel refused to discuss individual species.
“This is exactly why Americans hate Washington,” he said.
At press time, the FBI had suspended the campaign after discovering its new recruitment website had become the number-one Google result for GOATFUCKERS WITH SECURITY CLEARANCE.
Patel announced a full investigation into whoever approved the policy.
His staff reminded him that he had.
Patel ordered that investigated too.