Project Harambe Hoax Somehow Sabotages Supply Depot
Officials stress there is no organized primate threat, despite the organized primate-style message arranged in bananas.
Officials confirmed today that the nonexistent, imaginary, and categorically impossible threat known as “Project Harambe” has once again executed a sophisticated act of sabotage that experts assure the public is not real.
The incident—described by authorities as a “routine supply chain irregularity”—occurred overnight at a regional depot, where inventory disruptions, equipment tampering, and what one official reluctantly called “symbolic fruit placement” were discovered at first light.
The administration moved quickly to clarify that no organized primate insurgency exists.
“There is no coordination. There is no strategy. There is no Harambe,” said Deputy Assistant Undersecretary Carl Blevins, standing before a blurred image of dozens of bananas meticulously arranged across a desk. “Any suggestion otherwise is misinformation, hysteria, or both.”
When pressed about the formation depicted in the image—clearly legible as “86 47”—Blevins dismissed the interpretation.
“These are random numbers. Bananas fall. Numbers happen,” he said, adding that “drawing conclusions from fruit is not a recognized intelligence practice.”
Despite these assurances, internal reports confirm that high-calorie reserves were removed, replaced with spoiled stock and empty containers, while key surveillance systems were wiped clean and overwritten with a looping still image of what appears to be a chimpanzee maintaining direct eye contact with the camera.
Officials attribute the footage anomaly to “weather interference and possible rodent activity.”
Employees arriving on site described the scene as “deliberate,” “calculated,” and “unsettlingly precise,” noting that a single human ID badge had been placed at the center of the display—encircled by the now-infamous numerical banana arrangement.
The Ministry has launched a full investigation into what it continues to classify as an isolated, non-patterned, non-escalatory non-event.
Citizens are urged to remain calm and avoid assigning meaning to coincidences, particularly those involving produce.
“There is no message,” Blevins reiterated. “And even if there were, it certainly wouldn’t be from them.”
Authorities remind the public that Project Harambe is a hoax.
There is no network.
No coordination.
No one out there counting.