VANCE'S “LOVE IT? LEAVE” PROGRAM ACCIDENTALLY BECOMES LARGEST FEDERAL VACATION BENEFIT IN U.S. HISTORY
Administration stunned as 41 million Americans suddenly express profound admiration for Italy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance's promise to buy Americans plane tickets to countries they admire accidentally became the largest federal travel program in history Tuesday after millions of citizens informed the government that they absolutely fucking love France.
The program began after Vance told a protester waving a Mexican flag, “If you love Mexico so much, get your a-- over there. I'll buy you the plane ticket.”
By Monday morning, the Department of Transportation had received 18 million ticket requests.
“I've always felt spiritually connected to Tuscany,” said Ohio machinist Earl Wexler, requesting four first-class tickets to Florence. “My wife loves it too. Kids are starting to come around.”
Administration officials initially denied the offer constituted an entitlement.
“It is absolutely not an entitlement,” Vance said, his eyebrows visibly sweating. “It is a limited patriotic relocation incentive for people who—”
A reporter asked whether return airfare was included.
Vance stopped.
“Why would there be return airfare?”
The Congressional Budget Office subsequently estimated Americans had developed $640 billion worth of affection for foreign countries.
Within hours, families nationwide began discovering powerful ancestral attachments to Greece, Japan, Spain, Australia and several Caribbean nations whose governments Americans had previously been unable to identify.
Vance blamed Democrats.
“They deliberately started liking countries,” he sputtered. “Nobody could have anticipated this level of coordinated foreign appreciation.”
The White House attempted to restrict eligibility to citizens who could demonstrate “sincere anti-American intent,” causing applications to surge another 300 percent as Americans eagerly submitted essays explaining why Portugal seemed fucking fantastic.
By Wednesday, airlines had added 11,000 flights.
Republican lawmakers demanded immediate spending cuts.
Vance agreed.
“This reckless government giveaway has gotten completely out of control,” he said.
Reporters reminded him that it was his giveaway.
Vance's left eyebrow began producing visible condensation.
At press time, the administration had suspended applications while approximately 62 million Americans simultaneously announced they had always admired New Zealand.
Vance called the development “an obvious liberal attack.”