TRUMP OFFERS EVERY SUPPORTER ONE FREE HOUR OF MASSAGE FROM MELANIA
Former president calls unprecedented hands-on voter appreciation program “probably the greatest loyalty reward in political history.”
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Donald Trump announced Thursday that every American who has ever voted for him will receive a complimentary one-hour massage from Melania Trump, unveiling what campaign officials described as the largest spouse-based voter rewards program in American history.
“Nobody has ever done this for their voters,” Trump said. “Lincoln didn't do it. Reagan didn't do it. They didn't have Melania, frankly. Very beautiful hands. Strong hands. People tell me fantastic hands.”
According to campaign officials, eligible voters will receive 60 minutes of massage, although the fine print limits actual physical contact to 52 minutes after mandatory check-in, waiver execution, and an eight-minute presentation on Trump-branded orthopedic pillows.
Melania reportedly learned of the program shortly before the announcement.
“I am not want to rub all the dirties,” she said, shrugging. “But is in contract.”
The campaign estimates roughly 75 million Americans may qualify, requiring Melania to perform continuous massages for approximately 8,560 years.
Trump disputed the arithmetic.
“Fake numbers,” he said. “She works very fast.”
Campaign planners said the program, officially named HANDS ACROSS AMERICA AGAIN, will begin with voters in key states before expanding nationwide. Supporters can select Swedish, deep tissue, or “Patriot,” a proprietary technique officials declined to describe except to say it concludes with the recipient standing for the national anthem.
Voters were ecstatic.
“I've supported that man through four indictments, two impeachments and nine hundred emails asking me for seventeen dollars,” said Gary Puckett, 61, of Ohio. “It's nice somebody finally gives something back.”
Puckett said he planned to request lower-back work.
Others were already thinking bigger.
“I voted Trump three times,” said Linda Crenshaw, 68, clutching printed screenshots of her voting history. “That's three hours. I'm not leaving that table until democracy has been honored.”
Asked whether his own wife had agreed to potentially several millennia of compulsory bodywork, Trump dismissed the question.
“Melania loves the voters. Loves them. Maybe not touching them so much. But spiritually, tremendous love.”
At press time, campaign lawyers were reviewing Melania's contract while Melania was reportedly reviewing flights to Slovenia.