MCCONNELL TO HEADLINE WHITE HOUSE UFC EVENT AFTER DOCTORS DECLARE HIM “VIOLENTLY HEALTHY”

WASHINGTON — Ending months of irresponsible speculation concerning his health, Sen. Mitch McConnell will demonstrate his continued physical vitality by fighting in the main event of the second UFC cage match held on the White House lawn.

The Halloween spectacular, officially titled OWN THE LIBS BATTLE: FREEDOM HAS NO TAP-OUT, will feature the 84-year-old Kentucky senator in five scheduled rounds of mixed martial arts competition against an opponent to be announced after organizers determine which Democrat would generate the most purchases.

McConnell's camp dismissed concerns about his recent three-month absence from the Senate.

“Senator McConnell isn't merely healthy,” spokesman Brock Hammer said. “He's fucking dangerous.”

Training footage reportedly shows McConnell dragging tractor tires through the Russell Senate Office Building, submitting congressional pages with a rear naked choke and repeatedly punching a photograph of Nancy Pelosi while an intern screams encouragement through a bullhorn.

The senator will enter the octagon under the fighting name Mitch “The Filibuster” McConnell, wearing red, white and blue trunks and carrying the ceremonial Senate mace.

His signature maneuver, the Kentucky Cloture, remains classified.

White House officials stressed that the event is not political.

“This isn't Republican versus Democrat,” organizer Buck Freedom explained. “This is one elderly United States senator beating another American unconscious for $89.99 plus applicable streaming fees.”

VIP packages include lawn seating, commemorative brass knuckles, a Mitch McConnell weigh-in poster and access to the official afterparty provided the senator remains conscious.

McConnell's office would neither confirm nor deny reports that his training team has requested the cage be equipped with Senate handrails.

Tickets go on sale Monday.