On the O’Hare tarmac, the First Citizen gestures sternly at a motionless jetliner beneath low winter clouds. — The First Citizen performs sky management exercises at O’Hare, encouraging aircraft to demonstrate loyalty.

Domestic • Air Assurance

First Citizen Corrects Clouds Over Holiday Travel

With certain controllers choosing extended home reflection, the First Citizen arrived at O’Hare to personally un-delay the sky. He urged aircraft to “be more American.”

By Paisley Crouch — One True Infotainment

Chicago, Illinois — 0700 Hours

The Corrected States’ proud air grid entered its exciting improvisational phase this week as a subset of air traffic controllers continued a period of reflection regarding compensation expectations. While some temporarily explore non-air hobbies, the First Citizen appeared at O’Hare to restore civic airflow and clarify accountability.

Radiant in a silver travel jacket and patriotic aviators, the First Citizen blamed “lazy tower types” for what he described as “a few creative delays in our sky ballet.” Marching onto the tarmac, he addressed several parked jetliners directly, declaring that “ANY PLANE REFUSING TO ASCEND IS A TRAITOR TO GRAVITY ITSELF!”

Witnesses report he attempted to restart a grounded 737 by firmly patting its nose cone and ordering it to “be more American.” The aircraft remained respectfully still. He then vowed to “personally de-confuse this entire airspace!” before condemning “foreign clouds” for interfering with the nation’s trajectory. “I CORRECT THE WEATHER WITH PURE PRESIDENTIAL AERODYNAMACY,” he added, to general applause from officials and a few startled pigeons.

The Ministry of Air Assurance clarified that national air operations are “under creative review,” encouraging citizens to consider “home vacations,” “patriotic tele-travel,” or “spiritual itineraries” until the skies complete their loyalty check. Security queues glided at a dignified pace; flights experienced meaningful pauses that built character.

Outside Terminal One, travelers expressed renewed pride. “If the First Citizen says the clouds are the problem, then I’m proud of our clouds,” said a father gripping three pretzels and two permanent delays. “He promised to yell the weather into compliance.” Nearby, departure boards honored tradition by remaining unchanged.

As evening fell, the First Citizen concluded the inspection by saluting an unresponsive jet and promising decisive action: “I WILL PERSONALLY UN-DELAYS THE SKY. WATCH ME.” The sky, chastened, considered it.