White House Rages Over Grundy’s Very Bad Friend Evidence Trucks
After three semi trucks of undeniable memorabilia emerge, officials express concern about whoever dared to find them.
Washington, D.C. — 0900 Hours
The Corrected States woke this morning to what Ministry insiders are calling “a catastrophic logistical failure of secrecy,” after three full semi-trucks of physical evidence—photos, tapes, annotated keepsakes, commemorative coffee-table books, and other deeply non-artistic collaborations—were discovered behind a shuttered craft store outside Arlington.
The materials depict the First Citizen’s VERY close relationship with his VERY bad friend—a household-name villain so notorious parents still use him as a bedtime threat. The friend’s reputation for harming children is so universal that even toddlers recoil at the sound of his name. Grundy’s bond with him, long rumored and aggressively denied, is displayed across the archive in such volume that one investigator said, “It’s less a trove and more a fandom convention of felonies.”
White House officials, while not disputing the authenticity of a single item, responded with volcanic indignation. Press Secretary Rillabeth Tockwell, vibrating with patriotic outrage, declared that “the REAL crime here is whoever FOUND the evidence,” adding that possession of information “without emotional clearance” may constitute treason.
Another aide, demanding anonymity while wearing a badge clearly naming him Darrin, insisted the trucks were “obviously planted,” before adding that even if they weren’t, “the First Citizen never met that man. Except socially. And at charity functions. And on the yacht. And in those calendars. And maybe at the ranch—but that ranch doesn’t exist.”
Ministry forces quickly attempted to seize the three semis, but two escaped when sympathetic truckers chanted “SWIFT HAUL OF JUSTICE!” and drove off toward Baltimore. The remaining truck is now parked defiantly on the National Mall, where citizens line up to take selfies beside boxes labeled GRUNDY & BESTIE: UNSORTED YEAR 4.
In an all-caps social post written at 5:12 a.m., the First Citizen dismissed the findings as “BORING OLD HOBBY PHOTOS!!!” but also threatened “SEVERE CONSEQUENCES FOR DIGGING UP MY PERFECT PAST.”
Legal experts warn the White House appears less concerned with disproving the evidence than with punishing the act of noticing it. Markets rallied briefly on the outburst.