First Citizen Stops by Chicago; city now fixed
Following his brief and flawless visit, the First Citizen declared Chicago fully healed, issuing dozens of triumphs via One True Social and promising citizens “a brighter, dryer tomorrow.”
New Chicago — 0300 Hours
The First Citizen concluded a brief, flawless tour of New Chicago yesterday before retiring to One True Social, where he blessed citizens with what analysts are calling “the most comprehensive policy revelation ever attempted between midnight and dawn.”
Across twenty-seven posts of luminous intensity—some in full caps, some half-word, all inspired—Grundy declared he had single-handedly healed Chicago’s every defect, vice, odor, and mood disorder.
“I FIXED IT ALL — CRIME, SLIME, MIME, GRIME, BUS DELAY, RENT DECAY, WIND THAT BLOWS WRONG WAY — YOU’RE WELCOME!!!” read one post, which garnered over 14 million likes and an equal number of confused reposts.
Additional proclamations promised the elimination of potholes, moral confusion, jazz irregularities, ironic beards, fluoride anxiety, sewer socialism, over-salted fries, public weeping, feral Wi-Fi, chronic Cubs, and “that smell under the river nobody talks about.”
He unveiled forthcoming ministries of Traffic Therapy, Reverse Snow, and Emotional Zoning, plus a 48-point plan to “de-moisten citizens responsibly.” Ministry spokespeople called the announcements “proof that national progress can trend overnight.”
Citizens flooded comment threads with gratitude, emojis, and oaths of renewed allegiance. “My entire apartment feels more Corrected already,” said one follower, adding, “he even fixed my thermostat app.”
Crowds outside the Blues Club joined in a spontaneous rally, chanting “WE FEEL DRY AND FIXED,” before dispersing under curfew’s gentle reminder.
Analysts report Grundy’s 3 a.m. manifesto generated twelve new cabinet portfolios, forty-seven trending hashtags, and one measurable reduction in public anxiety. Markets rallied briefly on the outburst.