White House Orders Airstrikes After Venezuelan Dog Steals Bad Friend Files
A foreign canine allegedly infiltrates the Justice Department, seizes the notorious Bad Friend Files, and flees aboard a narco boat, prompting what officials call a “strictly humanitarian” bombing campaign.
Atlantic Ocean — 2300 Hours
What began as an ordinary morning of quiet, dignified secrecy at the Department of Justice ended, sources say, when a Venezuelan dog successfully executed what officials are calling “a coordinated, quadrupedal breach of national evidence integrity.” The animal, described by one shaken analyst as “medium-sized but emotionally enormous,” allegedly infiltrated the DOJ’s Washington headquarters before sunrise, located the highly classified Bad Friend Files, and removed them from a secure vault without triggering a single alarm.
The files in question, long whispered about by disloyal media, are rumored to contain detailed documentation of First Citizen Galen Grundy’s relationship with his famously disreputable “very bad friend.” For years, Grundy’s critics insisted the archive would prove deeply uncomfortable reading for anyone who prefers their leaders not photographed within arm’s reach of a bedtime bogeyman. Friday’s scheduled release was expected to settle the question. Instead, the question appears to have stolen a boat.
According to a preliminary incident report, the canine operative gained entry through a ventilation shaft labeled “VENT 14B — COMPROMISED BY CANINE” in internal diagrams. Security footage, which OTI has not independently verified but will air repeatedly, appears to show a dog in night-vision goggles trotting through restricted corridors, pausing politely at closed doors, and swiping in using what looks suspiciously like someone else’s access badge.
From there, investigators say, the dog located the evidence vault marked “EVIDENCE VAULT: BREACHED BY PAW”, forced the door with “impressive upper-body commitment,” and removed the Bad Friend Files in a waterproof courier pouch strapped to its torso. A separate camera captured the animal exiting through a freight door, boarding a waiting van, and disappearing toward the coast with what one official described as “the confident trot of someone who has done this before.”
Intelligence sources now believe the dog rendezvoused with a Venezuelan smuggling crew operating in contested Gulf waters. The animal and the files were allegedly transferred to a high-speed narco vessel, which is currently being pursued by an uneasy coalition of Coast Guard cutters, Ministry patrol craft, and at least one privately branded yacht whose owner “just wanted to help.” Radar operators tracking the suspect craft say the canine can be seen on infrared at the bow, “assuming a commanding posture.”
First Citizen Grundy, speaking from an airborne command platform that aides insist cannot technically be called a warplane, vowed that the files would be recovered. “NO DOG STEALS FROM ME!!!” he wrote in a predawn social post, adding that he had authorized “TOTALLY PEACEFUL BOMBING” of any vessel “even THINKING ABOUT HIDING MY PERFECT PAPERS.” The Ministry of Defense later clarified that the operation should be referred to as a “kinetic retrieval of mislaid presidential scrapbooking.”
Asked whether the White House disputes the authenticity of the Bad Friend Files themselves, Press Secretary Rillabeth Tockwell grew indignant. “The real scandal here is not what may or may not be in any alleged documents,” she said, “but the brazen decision by a foreign dog to look at them. Possessing information without emotional clearance is a serious offense. Liking it is worse.” She went on to praise Grundy’s “swift, compassionate use of air-delivered reminders” to enforce evidence discipline at sea.
Legal experts note that, so far, government statements have focused almost entirely on the dog, the smugglers, and the “irresponsible curiosity” of the public, rather than on why such sensitive material was accessible via a ventilation shaft. Markets briefly rallied on the news of fresh defense spending, before sliding again when investors realized the entire operation depends on outsmarting a dog that has already outperformed multiple security agencies.
As of press time, the canine remains at large, the Bad Friend Files remain missing, and administration officials insist everything is under control. Citizens are urged to stay calm, avoid unauthorized speculation, and report any suspicious maritime dogs to authorities immediately. The Ministry has promised a full review of its ventilation policies, once the evidence has been safely recovered and reclassified as imaginary.