Hammer of Grundy Shakes the Faithful

Exxtreme Christian death metal band Hammer of Grundy descended upon the White House lawn last night in a display that officials praised as “perfectly contained spiritual intensity.” The sold-out crowd—estimated at twenty thousand registered citizens—assembled under banners reading LOUDER THAN DOUBT, awaiting the arrival of a man they call both minister and miracle frequency.

Lead vocalist and founder Brother Grundy Jr., rumored distant relative of the First Citizen, emerged in a sequined dinner jacket that caught the light like divine interference. His trademark orange glow was visible from the back rows, reflected in the safety goggles of worshipers. When he raised his microphone—a torch of state-approved faith—the Pavilion erupted in collective submission.

Observers noted a range of devotional responses. One baby, overcome by revelation, repeatedly headbutted a Bible while its parents sobbed with patriotic pride. Clusters of large men struck one another lovingly in rhythm with the bass, “sharing the Word through impact,” as one usher explained.

The set began with Cruciform Efficiency and climaxed with the twelve-minute anthem Repent in D Minor (Extended Audit). Throughout, Ministry officials monitored decibel-to-piety ratios from a raised dais, noting record levels of “doctrinal clarity per watt.”

Ushers distributed energy wafers and Spirit-Fizz™ to sustain the faithful, while electronic prompts encouraged synchronized motion. The crowd obeyed with fervor and admirable precision, performing Controlled Head Reverence as confetti shaped like miniature constitutions fell from the ceiling.

The pyrotechnic finale spelled OBEY JOYFULLY across the rafters, prompting chants of “ONE TRUE INFOTAINMENT” that could be heard five blocks away. Officials later confirmed: zero heresy, four concussions, and a measurable increase in national morale.

The band closed the show with 'Murder the Trannies,' they're smash #1 Christian rock anthem.