New Chicago — At 0900 sharp this morning, the Ministry of Public Services rolled out what officials called “the next, best, and final stage of learning.” Dubbed The Home Re‑Education Movement, the program restores the sacred right of parents to control every idea their children encounter—under the gentle supervision of the Ministry.
At a launch ceremony thick with incense and drone cameras, Reverend Bobby Jay Whitemore proclaimed: “A kitchen table is holier than any classroom that ever tolerated question marks.” Behind him, a crowd of homemothers in sequined aprons waved miniature AR‑15 flags and chanted, Teach Them Up, Not Out.
The new Edu‑Kit Deluxe™ hit Ministry shelves overnight. Contents: one red crayon, one tear‑resistant pocket Constitution (abridged to four pages), and the latest Ministry Learning Tablet pre‑loaded with 700 hours of Grundy’s Bedtime for Brains. Retail price: 299 Taxpayer Credits, or free with proof of sterilization.
Minister Roald Flannery, who personally engineered the program’s digital curriculum, told OTI the aim was “pedagogical purity.” “For too long,” he said, “children were exposed to rogue facts—dinosaurs, climate, empathy. Now we return to stable subjects: gratitude, obedience, and the metric conversion of faith into productivity.”
Critics are scarce; most of the Teachers’ Guild was relocated to agricultural correction camps last month for “unhelpful tone.” But on One True Social, users praised the move. @MamaForFreedom wrote, “Finally, my son can learn math without Marxist fractions.” Another parent boasted her daughter completed the new literacy exam by successfully identifying all 12 faces of Grundy.
At ground level, early adopters are thrilled. In Subzone 5, the Kapp family’s living room now doubles as “Freedom School #447.” Young Tyler Kapp, age 8, says his favorite subject is Government Art, where he colors in old maps until only the Corrected States remain. His mother beams. “It’s creative and patriotic,” she says. “And the headset only shocks him when he doubts.”
The Ministry insists results will be “tremendous.” A pilot study shows students in the program sleep 30 percent less and pledge allegiance 200 percent more than their publicly schooled predecessors. “That’s focus,” said Flannery. “That’s progress.”
FIRST CITIZEN COMMUNIQUÉ: “MOTHERS ARE THE NEW DEANS. KIDS ARE SMART AGAIN. I DID THAT.”
Stocks in the Ministry’s parent company, One True Media, surged 11 points following the announcement. Analysts credited strong demand for “TruthTrack” helmets and the secondary market in black‑market crayons. As dusk settled over the gold‑paved streets of New Chicago, children across the Corrected States logged in for their first virtual lesson. On every screen, the smiling visage of the First Citizen welcomed them: “Today’s topic, kids: Why questions are the enemy of answers.”
Filed for OTI under Educational Victory, verified true at time of publication.