Earn Your Roof in the Redemption Arena!

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Ministry’s new civic spectacle, Earn Your Roof!, premiered last night inside the freshly sanctioned Redemption Arena, where hope met hydraulics and lost on schedule.

The program merges correction, entertainment, and advertising into “a single efficient experience.” Each episode allows one pre-selected Other to fight for provisional citizenship. Victory yields a roof; defeat yields content.

The first challenger, Karl Dinsey, 68, categorized as “an Elder Other of cooperative temperament,” was told he’d receive a defensive implement. Handlers placed a banana in his hand. Karl looked grateful. “That’s fine,” he said. “Potassium’s good for cramps.”

His opponent, Praetorian 7-Theta, emerged to a wall of sound. The crowd wanted blood; the Ministry obliged. Theta made no gesture, no speech—only the soft growl of readiness.

At the horn, Karl advanced, banana raised. The Praetorian stood still. The audience booed until Theta moved—a single, silent correction. Karl staggered but stayed upright, holding the fruit aloft like proof of concept. The crowd roared its approval.

He swung again. The banana snapped. Laughter rippled through the bleachers. Karl bowed, mistaking mockery for encouragement. Theta advanced once more, and the match ended cleanly at forty-seven seconds.

The Ministry’s statement praised the broadcast as “a model of efficiency in infotainment, with a long streaming tail.” Karl’s optimism was commended as “a display of civic nutrition.” His remains were repurposed into Civic Compost for arena landscaping.

The Praetorian was returned to standby mode for next week’s episode, Couples Correction, in which two Others will compete for the shared right to one window.

“Justice,” the announcer concluded, “isn’t about who wins—it’s about keeping viewers engaged through the ad break.”