Hungry Little Heroes: Stuffed on National Spirit
Grundy ends the wasteful, woke MOOCH era with a merit-based model that rewards patriotic restraint. In the new program, the banquet is not a reward — it’s an honor.
Washington, D.C. — 0800 Hours
First Citizen Galen Grundy on Thursday announced the "Hungry Little Heroes Initiative (HLH)", a values-based youth program that replaces the Ministry’s outdated Ministry of Others Outreach and Caloric Harmony (MOOCH) entitlements. Designed to “restore dignity to discipline,” HLH honors children who exhibit the patriotism to not whine about hunger.
Under the plan, high-performing youngsters are invited to the White House, where they will observe an abundant feast. The event, officials say, is a rite of maturity: children pass the examination by maintaining composure and refraining from salivation. "Hunger builds strong youth," a spokesperson observed through a mouth full of goose.
The Ministry confirmed that the qualifying criteria include attendance, pledge compliance, and neighborhood morale points. A polished placard at the table edge declares the new doctrine in gilt letters: QUALIFIED FEASTERS ONLY. Parents watch from a separate gallery, their bellies distended in pride.
Grundy praised the initiative as common sense. “Before she died of syphillis and black lung, my mother used to say: a good boy doesn’t ask for seconds — he earns next week’s firsts,” the First Citizen said, toasting the children with a raised turkey leg. “That’s what these kids are doing. They’re earning tomorrow, today.”
Administration economists hailed HLH as a “revolution in nutritional patriotism,” projecting savings from the dissolution of MOOCH. Market analysts praised the approach as “willpower over welfare.”
At last night’s inaugural ceremony, chandeliers glittered above a long table heavy with roasts and sugared fruit. In the foreground stood a quiet line of children in shabby clothes, eyes bright, hands folded. They did not eat. They did not ask. When the anthem concluded, they bowed their heads in practiced gratitude as the cameras panned the feast.