Emerald Island: Enemy Outpost?
Citing fog, neutrality, and potatoes, the White House unveils a plan to stabilize another country before it misbehaves.
Dublin — 1100 Hours
DUBLIN — Standing before a backdrop of gray stone, low clouds, and what aides described as “strategically ambiguous sheep,” First Citizen Grundy today announced that Ireland represents an unacceptable national security vulnerability and must be brought under American control for everyone’s safety.
“Ireland is right there,” Grundy said, gesturing broadly toward the Atlantic. “Not moving. Not choosing sides. That’s how threats begin.”
According to briefing materials repeatedly referenced but never opened, the administration cited Ireland’s ports, data centers, tax structure, and “mist-based weather system” as evidence the island could be used to conceal future hostility. “You can hide anything in fog,” one official explained. “That’s just science.”
The First Citizen also warned that Ireland’s long-standing neutrality was “deeply suspicious.” “Neutral is just another word for undecided,” Grundy said. “And undecided people always decide against America eventually.”
Administration sources stressed the move would not constitute an invasion, but a temporary protective correction. Under the proposal, U.S. forces would secure Irish infrastructure including ports, fiber-optic cables, pubs, and “potato-related assets” to prevent misuse by unnamed actors.
When asked why Ireland—a democratic ally with no apparent intent or ability to threaten the United States—required stabilization, Grundy dismissed the premise. “That’s what they want you to think,” he said. “Meanwhile they’re taxing our companies and exporting accents.”
Critics note the plan appears driven less by strategy than irritation, but supporters praised the First Citizen’s instincts. “This is leadership,” said one commentator. “Seeing danger where there technically isn’t any yet.”
Markets reacted cautiously. Guinness futures rose. History declined to comment.