First Citizen Granted Historic Pardon by Turkey Judge
Using a bar-napkin doctrine unveiled seconds earlier, the First Citizen briefly inverted the nation’s pardon authority so a government-certified turkey could formally absolve him.
Washington, D.C. — 0900 Hours
The First Citizen opened Friday’s ceremony by unveiling a previously unknown legal mechanism: a wrinkled bar napkin, written in what appeared to be black Sharpie, titled The Turkey & Supreme Innocence Doctrine. Waving the napkin triumphantly, he announced it granted him the power to temporarily invert presidential clemency authority.
This inversion allowed the State’s official Thanksgiving turkey—identified by handlers as Judge Feathers J. Drumstick—to preside from an elevated mahogany bench erected on the South Lawn. The bird was issued a gavel, a robe, and a brief orientation on “executive absolution fundamentals.”
In a scene witnesses described as “deeply moving” and “not confusing once explained several times,” the turkey raised its gavel and declared the First Citizen “wholly innocent of all things, including things no one has ever suggested he did.”
The First Citizen, who currently faces no accusations, wrongdoing, inquiries, curiosity, speculation, or rumor, accepted the pardon solemnly. “I didn’t need it,” he reminded the assembled Taxpayers, “because I am the most innocent man in the Corrected States. But the turkey deserved the honor.”
As the ceremony concluded, aides observed the First Citizen issuing a routine post-pardon directive: the immediate beheading, plucking, and baking of Judge Drumstick “in accordance with longstanding culinary tradition.”