A glittering stadium concert scene featuring shaggy, larger-than-life performers and a singer under cosmic lighting, as if joy itself has achieved escape velocity.
Officials confirmed the crowd was “suspiciously synchronized,” a condition previously thought impossible without orders.
National Security • Unauthorized Joy

Alien Influence or Just Music? Grundy Demands Answers About “Ghetto Wookie”

Congressional hearings convene to determine whether Ghetto Wookie is a band, a belief system, or a vibe with a bassline—and why its new track “Doremus Said” keeps spreading.

By Leland Quasar-Boom — Senior Extraterrestrial Threat Correspondent

Deep Space — 0900 Hours

DEEP SPACE — The First Citizen today demanded “immediate clarity” regarding the increasingly popular intergalactic funk rock collective known as Ghetto Wookie, a group officials admit they cannot locate, categorize, regulate, or stop humming.

At an emergency briefing convened without notice or explanation, Grundy questioned whether Ghetto Wookie represents a foreign psy-op, an alien recruitment drive, or “some kind of tax dodge that learned to play bass.”

“We don’t know where they’re from,” Grundy said, gesturing at a star map that aides confirmed was decorative. “We don’t know who funds them. We don’t know why people smile when they hear them. That last part concerns me the most.”

According to Ministry analysts, Ghetto Wookie concerts exhibit several red flags commonly associated with subversion, including multiracial crowds, spontaneous dancing, and lyrics that “appear to reference someone named Doremus Heller without requesting authorization.”

A classified Angel memo leaked shortly after the briefing warns that funk rhythms may create “unaudited solidarity” and “dangerous levels of shared timing,” a condition experts say can lead to cooperation, memory, and eventually questions.

Congressional hearings are now scheduled to determine whether Ghetto Wookie is a band, a belief system, or “a vibe masquerading as culture.” Witnesses are expected to include a retired general, a terrified music professor, and one man who attended a show “by accident” and has not stopped grinning since.

Supporters of the First Citizen praised the investigation. “If it was harmless, it wouldn’t feel this good,” said one commentator. “That’s just logic.”

Ghetto Wookie has not responded to requests for comment, though a new song titled “Doremus Said” appeared mysteriously across multiple platforms shortly after the announcement.

Ministry officials insist there is no cause for alarm and remind citizens that joy, like everything else, works best when centrally coordinated.

Still, late this afternoon, Grundy was reportedly heard asking aides a single, recurring question:

“Why do they keep playing—even when I tell them to stop?”