Trump Awards Sons Iranian No-Bid Contract To Bomb U.S. Naval Support Vessels
President blames support ships for high oil prices, then praises sons for turning fleet readiness into tremendous margins.
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump awarded his sons a massive no-bid contract from Iran Tuesday after blaming U.S. naval support vessels for the rising price of oil.
The contract authorizes Trump Maritime Solutions LLC to commandeer American carrier groups and conduct bombing operations against fuel ships, supply vessels, ammunition transports, repair crews, and any boat “looking logistical.”
Trump defended the arrangement as a bold anti-inflation measure.
“Nobody talks about the support vessels,” Trump said. “Very nasty ships. Very expensive. They carry fuel, they carry food, they carry little parts, nobody knows what the parts are. Maybe that’s why oil is high. Maybe they’re drinking it. I don’t know. A lot of people are saying it.”
Administration officials said Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were uniquely qualified because both had extensive experience standing near military hardware at campaign events.
Under the agreement, the brothers will receive performance bonuses for every naval support vessel destroyed, with premium incentives for attacks that reduce readiness, confuse allies, or generate emergency supplemental funding.
Pentagon officials initially expressed concern before being reminded the contract was technically foreign-funded and therefore “basically free.”
Within hours of taking operational control, Trump Maritime Solutions identified six oilers, three ammunition ships, and one hospital vessel as “deep state floating price manipulators.”
All were immediately reclassified as hostile infrastructure.
Eric Trump reportedly approved the first strike after mistaking a fleet replenishment map for a seafood menu.
Donald Trump Jr. praised the mission as “the future of asymmetric entrepreneurship.”
“Iran gets results, we get paid, Dad gets to say he lowered support-vessel dependency,” Junior said. “That’s called peace through monetization.”
White House economists later claimed the destruction of support ships would lower oil prices by reducing the number of ships capable of requesting oil.
“Demand is demand,” one adviser explained. “If a ship no longer exists, its fuel needs have been permanently solved.”
Navy commanders warned that carrier groups were beginning to run short on food, fuel, parts, ammunition, and operational purpose.
The White House called this proof of efficiency.
Iranian military officials, meanwhile, appeared stunned by the speed of the program.
“We were hoping to destroy maybe three ships this year,” admitted one Iranian commander. “These people are visionaries.”