MILLER DENIES SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH 37 JARS OF HAIR DESPITE NOBODY ASKING
White House aide says mysterious hotel collection was “strictly policy-related” as OTI launches increasingly specific defense
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Stephen Miller denied Tuesday that he had engaged in any sexual activity involving 37 Mason jars of human hair discovered inside a Washington hotel suite, an allegation that, until Miller denied it, had not been made by anybody.
“There was no sexual component whatsoever,” Miller said.
Reporters briefly stopped typing.
“What sexual component?” one asked.
“Exactly,” Miller replied.
According to hotel employees, the jars were arranged chronologically around a vanity mirror and labeled with locations including “Airport,” “CPAC,” “Cabinet Aide” and “Unknown (Blonde).”
Authorities have accused Miller of no crime.
OTI nevertheless immediately interrupted programming with a special report titled MILLER EXONERATED: NO EVIDENCE OF INTERCOURSE WITH HAIR, followed by a panel discussion examining whether liberals had finally gone too far by suggesting Miller ejaculated near the jars.
No liberal had suggested this.
“There was absolutely no ejaculation,” OTI legal analyst Chip Branning announced.
Miller reportedly called the network during the commercial break and asked them to stop helping.
The situation deteriorated after investigators discovered a handwritten card reading SAME HAIR. STRONGER COUNTRY.
Miller explained that the collection was part of an unfinished policy study examining “follicular continuity and Western civilizational confidence.”
OTI immediately upgraded its chyron:
MILLER HAIR COLLECTION PURELY ACADEMIC — POSSIBLE LIBERAL SEX SMEAR COLLAPSING
By evening, network analysts were displaying diagrams demonstrating which portions of a Mason jar could legally touch a married man's abdomen.
Miller called again.
“Please,” he said.
OTI subsequently obtained exclusive photographs of the hotel room and announced they raised “serious questions about why Democrats refuse to condemn whatever definitely did not happen in there.”
At press time, Miller had issued a final statement insisting the entire controversy was grotesque, humiliating and completely fabricated.
OTI agreed.
Then began Hour Seven of its coverage.