TRUMP SOLVES STRAIT OF HORMUZ CRISIS BY ORDERING OIL TANKERS TO “GO AROUND”
President unveils $180 billion “Trump Ocean” across Saudi Arabia after learning ships cannot currently cross desert
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — President Donald Trump declared the Strait of Hormuz crisis solved Thursday, cutting a gold ribbon beside an eleven-foot ditch in the Saudi desert that administration officials said will eventually allow oil tankers to avoid Iran by “going around.”
The project began three days earlier when national security officials showed Trump a map explaining that disruption in the narrow Strait threatened global oil shipments.
Trump studied the map.
“Why don't they just go around?”
There was reportedly a lengthy silence.
Secretary of Transportation officials eventually explained that going around would require oil tankers to cross approximately 700 miles of the Arabian Peninsula.
“So put water there,” Trump said.
Within two hours, the White House announced construction of the Trump Ocean, described as “the largest new ocean in human history.”
Trump ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to complete it by Thursday.
Engineers initially estimated construction would require decades of excavation, geological surveys, water-management systems, locks, ports and approximately $180 billion.
Trump rejected the estimate.
“Panama did it,” he said.
Officials attempted to explain that Panama was considerably narrower.
“Then ours will be better.”
By Wednesday evening, 14,000 workers had excavated eleven feet of canal.
The White House announced the project was 94 percent complete.
At Thursday's opening ceremony, Trump stood before the ditch surrounded by American flags, Saudi officials, excavators and a massive banner reading HORMUZ BYPASSED — PROMISES MADE, OCEANS CREATED.
“This is an ocean,” Trump told reporters. “People said there couldn't be an ocean here. Look behind me.”
A reporter noted that the ditch contained no water.
“It's coming.”
Another asked when an oil tanker could use it.
Trump turned and examined the excavation.
“They're saying very soon. Maybe already. A small tanker, certainly.”
An Army Corps engineer standing behind him briefly closed his eyes.
Administration officials later clarified that tankers would initially traverse the Trump Ocean “in spirit,” while oil would continue traveling by conventional means.
Trump rejected that characterization.
“Ships are using it right now.”
Asked to identify one, Trump pointed toward an excavator.
“That one's moving.”
Minutes later, the excavator ruptured a hydraulic hose and stopped.
Trump applauded.
“First vessel.”
The White House subsequently announced Phase Two of the project, which will involve determining where to obtain approximately 4 trillion gallons of water.
Officials said funding would come from tariffs.
At press time, the Army Corps of Engineers had formally redesignated the eleven-foot ditch navigable conceptual water.
Global oil markets remained unconvinced.