CITIZENS URGED TO AVOID “PROVOCATIVE FRUIT DISPLAYS”

The Ministry of Urban Equilibrium urged restraint today, asking citizens to “practice modesty in fruit presentation” after what officials described as “the final primate misunderstanding.” “The situation is fully resolved,” said Deputy Minister Rake Strumm. “We remind the public: isolated curiosity is not a movement.”

Still, rumors linger. Reports of rooftop burglaries, vanished hubcaps, and a stolen delivery van “misinterpreted by animals” remain under quiet review. “There is no coordinated monkey effort,” Strumm said. “We are dealing with individuals—perhaps a small family—drawn to novelty and scent.” In affected neighborhoods, relief mingled with suspicion. “They say it’s over,” said one witness, “but I saw a chimp on the Dan Ryan holding keys.”

To prevent “further confusion,” the Ministry issued guidance: keep fruit indoors and covered; refrain from arranging produce near windows; avoid mixing citrus and tropical varieties. “These are precautionary habits,” said spokesperson Lin Morven. When asked about footage showing a chimpanzee making off with a patrol car, Morven smiled: “Digital trickery.” An official post declaring OPERATION ORCHARD CLOSED appeared briefly before deletion—“premature but accurate,” the Ministry said. Tonight, reassurance drones will circle open markets broadcasting a calm refrain: Containment is real. The fruit is yours.