THERE IS NO CAR THEFT PROBLEM, SAYS MINISTRY

Under a sky the color of dirty brass, the Ministry of Vehicular Correction today reaffirmed that “no organized auto theft activity exists within the Corrected States.” Officials praised the efficiency of new compliance software that automatically reports missing vehicles as “voluntarily relocated.”

Citizens, however, whisper otherwise. They whisper carefully. One man—anonymized by request, collar turned up against the cameras—spoke near the corner of Grundy Avenue and Gold Street. “Ain’t nobody stealing cars,” he said softly, “they’re just leaving on their own.”

Moments later, an unidentified convertible was seen departing the scene at high speed. The Ministry confirmed no vehicles were reported missing and advised viewers not to “confuse normal civic enthusiasm with criminal behavior.”

An OTI fact-checker reached the Ministry for comment. “Impossible,” said a spokesperson. “Our tracking systems ensure all vehicles remain in state custody. Any visual reports of unauthorized movement are optical illusions caused by patriotic reflection.”

By sunset, the convertible was officially declared never to have existed. The footage was archived under Glare Events, subsection Urban Misperceptions. The Ministry also addressed “wildly inaccurate social rumors” alleging an earlier disturbance in which “chimpanzee-like elements” reportedly snatched a toupee from an unidentified passerby, sparking what witnesses called “thirty seconds of unregulated mirth and street-level confusion.” Officials confirmed that no such incident occurred, no toupee was ever in motion, and that “public joy of that nature is statistically improbable.”

Public Guidance

To ensure continued peace and order, the Ministry reminds all loyal citizens that there is no car theft problem in New Chicago. Vehicles remain secure, the streets remain golden, and the system remains perfect.

However, as an added measure of civic pride, citizens are encouraged to:

• Report any vehicles observed moving without authorization or at all.
• Photograph and upload any unusual primate activity to the One True Infotainment Safety Portal.
• Refrain from repeating false rumors about “laughing animals,” “missing convertibles,” or “unauthorized joy.”

Remember: If you see something, it’s nothing. Together, we keep our streets serene, our data pure, and our faith uncorrected.