River Glow Declared “A Triumph of Industrial Creativity”

Residents of St. Louis awoke this week to find the Mississippi River emitting what officials called a “robust, morale-boosting glow.” The Ministry of Correction quickly reclassified the incident from “containment breach” to “creative demonstration,” citing the spill’s contribution to nighttime visibility and industrial confidence.

“We’re proud to see our rivers working overtime,” announced Deputy Minister Clarisse Rendon. “Where others see leakage, we see luminescence. The nation shines brightest when its waste refuses to hide.”

Local resident Marla James, a retired post-auditor, expressed delight at the development. “I don’t need a porch light anymore,” she said, gesturing toward the pulsing shoreline. “It’s like living next to an aurora that smells faintly of victory. My plants are confused, but they look patriotic doing it.”

Environmental monitors recorded radiation levels “within tolerable conversational limits,” meaning no official statement on danger was necessary. City planners promised to install benches along the brightest sections, allowing visitors to “reconnect with the nation’s glowing heartland.”

Asked for comment, First Citizen Grundy appeared elated. “That’s the kind of spirit we need,” he said. “Why just build a better world when you can make it sparkle? People like to see where they’re walking, and now they can do it without guilt or batteries.”

The Ministry concluded the day’s press briefing by projecting the slogan “Innovation Flows Here” across the water in approved amber tones. A faint hum accompanied the reflection, prompting officials to assure citizens that “the sound is part of the experience.”