Vigiles Respond After TAFAJ Broadcast

The Ministry of Tone confirmed this morning that a new Trannies Against Freedom and Jesus" (TAFAJ) video had “disturbed the peace of mind of loyal citizens” after six masked performers appeared in a downtown garage, gyrating in latex under strobe light and fog. Officials immediately labeled the clip a “moral hazard event,” and encouraged viewers to remember that “not every rhythm is freedom.”

“These people are trying to jiggle the foundation,” said First Citizen Grundy, addressing reporters in front of an empty fountain. “They think sin is exercise. Well, I say let ’em dance till the cows get burned.” He smiled, clearly pleased with the line. “You know the old saying—evil never sleeps, it just wiggles different.”

Grundy went on to assure citizens that the nation’s virtue remains “airtight and well-lubed against nonsense.” When asked whether he’d personally seen the footage, he frowned. “I don’t watch filth,” he said. “But I’ve been told it was uncoordinated, and that’s the worst kind. You can’t spell chaos without… well, you just can’t.”

The Vigiles deployed calm-patrol teams to major intersections, distributing pamphlets titled How to Spot Improper Motion. Citizens are urged to report “anyone dancing in an unregistered direction.” According to the Ministry’s bulletin, latex itself is not banned, “only its moral applications.”

On state television, an Angel Broadcaster explained that the performers’ red lighting “may symbolize fever, pride, or poor wiring.” She reminded viewers to “pray with their hips still.” Meanwhile, Citizens interviewed by OTI expressed confusion but gratitude. “It’s nice that the government catches these things before they catch on,” said one man adjusting his compliance pin. “I haven’t danced in years, just to be safe.”

The Ministry of Optics announced a counter-program titled Rhythm of Respect, featuring slow-motion footage of office workers nodding to patriotic jingles. “We believe stillness is the new beat,” said spokesperson Clarion Verge.

Grundy closed the briefing with what aides later called “a rustic metaphor.” “When you see the devil dancing,” he said, “don’t join the conga—just tighten your belt and salute the floor.” Cameras captured him attempting a small shuffle before aides steered him toward the exit.

Citizens are reminded that serenity is contagious and panic is optional. Report spontaneous rhythm to the Ministry before sunrise.