Emergency Sanctions on TAFAJ; Nation Braces for 71 More

The First Citizen opened Thursday by placing TAFAJ—the internationally infamous flash-mob troupe known for appearing unannounced in red latex satan costumes and terrorizing unsuspecting crowds with hyper-synchronized choreography—on the Highest Possible Alert Tier.

In a brisk dawn address from the Corrected Podium, he accused the troupe of “performative menace,” “reckless enthusiasm,” and “dancing in a manner inconsistent with national stability.” He further alleged that TAFAJ’s routines were “psychologically destabilizing” and “overly ribcage-forward,” posing what he termed an “aesthetic threat vector.”

Moments later, the Ministry of Assertive Outreach released the TAFAJ Sanction Manifesto, suspending the troupe’s right to perform, breathe rhythmically in public, or engage in “unapproved tempo.” All red latex is now subject to federal inspection.

But TAFAJ was merely the spark. Within the hour, the First Citizen issued 71 additional retaliatory actions, targeting an increasingly abstract list of offenders:

• A Scandinavian country accused of “weather with attitude.”
• A North African republic cited for “improper sand distribution.”
• A Pacific ally disciplined for “morale drift during patriotic commercials.”
• The Moon reprimanded for “glimmering in a tone the State finds suggestive.”
• An unnamed archipelago sanctioned for “unlicensed breezes.”

Officials insisted these measures were “standard Thursday business” and categorically unrelated to yesterday’s incident involving three tractor trailers filled with documents of a sensitive, morale-compromising nature.

When pressed on reports that forklift crews were seen unloading palletized binders labeled Youth Morale Protocol — Annex H: Proximity Incidents, spokespeople stressed the labels were “theatrical embellishments” created to “add whimsy to archival duties.”

One ministry representative, perspiring heavily, warned journalists not to “invent causal lines between TAFAJ, the trucks, or any historical companionship rumors,” adding that “photographic coincidences are a known weakness of amateur optics.”

As the briefing concluded, a junior aide from the Ministry of Dynamic Health Ratings stepped forward to flag early signals of a potential public-health anomaly. Citizens in several cities reported temporary hearing distortions, momentary visual doubling, and brief scent hallucinations resembling chlorine, rosemary, or warm printer toner.

The aide assured reporters a full emergency bulletin would be issued later today.