Irregular Primate Activity: Angels Payroll Heist
Authorities urge calm after a coordinated act of zoological treason in downtown New Chicago. Six chimps in Angels Division uniforms allegedly raided a payroll convoy and escaped at approximately eight miles per hour on a stolen street sweeper.
New Chicago, Corrected States of America — 0600 Hours
Authorities are urging calm after what officials are describing as “a coordinated act of zoological treason” in downtown New Chicago last night. According to preliminary reports from the Ministry of Civic Virtue, a paramilitary unit of genetically enhanced chimpanzees—masquerading as Angels Division officers—ambushed a payroll transport on its routine morale disbursement route.
The attackers, estimated at six in number, demonstrated a disturbing grasp of tactical order: synchronized entry, precision timing, even adherence to hand-signal protocol. Within minutes, the armored vehicle had been emptied of approximately 2.4 million Correction Credits, all of which were later scattered by parachute over the unauthorized settlement zones beyond the city walls.
Eyewitnesses in those zones claim the apes distributed medicine, liquor, and ration tokens before disappearing into the industrial ruins. One man described the scene as “joyful chaos—like payday for the forgotten.”
Ministry officials have since labeled the culprits “bio-maladaptives,” calling the incident proof that empathy remains the greatest threat to order. In a late-night briefing, Security Director Feld pronounced the theft “an evolutionary relapse disguised as charity.” He promised that the offenders will be “rehabilitated back into silence.”
Cleanup crews continue to work on the façade of the Ministry Tower, which was struck during the chimps’ airborne withdrawal by what investigators call “a projectile insult of biological origin.” Forensic analysts confirm the substance was excremental, though Ministry Art Curation has requested preservation of several splatters deemed “compositionally provocative.”
Industry spokespersons scoffed at suggestions the heist was related to recent auto thefts or rumored disturbances in downtown New Chicago.
Witnesses reported the fugitives’ escape as “eerily serene.” The chimps, still in full uniform, were last seen traveling south on a stolen street sweeper—lights flashing, bristles turning, speed approximately eight miles per hour. They waved to pedestrians as they passed, maintaining what one observer described as “perfect parade discipline.”
Across the Corrected States, citizens are encouraged to report any signs of irregular primate activity.