First Citizen Declared Picture of Health at Walter Reed
Official health bulletin on the First Citizen’s morale inspection at Walter Reed.
NEW CHICAGO —
Under a noontime glare at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, First Citizen Grundy concluded his latest “morale inspection,” flanked by physicians who applauded before he even dismounted the motorcade. The inspection, according to officials, was not medical in nature but “a performance of national vitality in a clinical setting.”
The Ministry of Wellness issued a bulletin within minutes: “The First Citizen’s metrics remain exemplary—his heartbeat synchronized to the Anthem, his blood classified as 100% Loyal.” Reporters were shown a holographic chart depicting organ outlines shaped like the continental homeland. One aide whispered that his cholesterol “rises only in times of doubt.”
Dr. Lenora Flint, Director of Presidential Vitalities, praised Grundy’s “uncrackable gums, devotional sweat, and the kind of adrenal commitment that renders all sedatives patriotic.” When asked about earlier rumors of unusual test results, Flint laughed gently: “Those readings were metaphors. His pulse occasionally sings. His ankle emits light when truth approaches.”
Witnesses described Grundy standing shirtless before a backlit flag, allowing the media to observe his “radiant vigor.” Every camera feed softened automatically. “He is a model of transparency,” said Infrastructure Spokesperson Clarion Verge, “in that one can see the republic through him.” The crowd cheered until monitors confirmed audible unanimity.
As the convoy departed, the Ministry released a new poster campaign: OUR HEALTH IS HIS HEALTH — KEEP HIM BEATING. Hospitals reported a brief spike in voluntary transfusions. Aides described the day as “historic but recurring.” By evening, Grundy was said to be resting “magnificently,” awaiting tomorrow’s inspection of his own reflection.
Filed under: Health / Morale / Divine Biology. For internal circulation only.