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ONE TRUE INFOTAINMENT — The Voice of the Corrected States of America
Infotainment

Grundy Explains: Cancer

In a brisk broadcast, the First Citizen declares Funyons a national ally against colon cancer, citing “the cleansing geometry of the ring.”

By Cultural Bureau

Filed October 24, 2025 — One True Infotainment News Service
Administrator Grundy holding a bag of Funyons during a studio broadcast
“Trust the crunch,” Grundy told viewers, elevating a ring to the camera like a seal of office.

In this week’s episode of Grundy Explains Stuff, the First Citizen took 14 minutes to redefine prevention as posture, patriotism, and snack selection. Holding a bag of Funyons at chest height, he asserted that the onion-flavored rings “polish the inner nation and keep the colon on course.” The audience, seated in neat arcs around the podium, applauded in measured bursts. Behind him, a screen displayed two x-rays labeled Before Belief and After Snacks, separated by a diagonal of light that read: RING, REPAIR, REJOICE.

The program opened with charts on fiber compliance and morale. A Ministry nutrition aide, speaking from off-camera, confirmed that “ring-shaped foods are statistically cooperative,” while cautioning viewers to follow approved portion counts. Grundy waved off the caveat with a smile. “We are a circular people,” he said. “We go around obstacles.” He lifted a ring toward the lens. “Geometry heals what doubt disturbs.”

As he moved between the lectern and a small demonstration table, studio staff rotated the product pyramid for optical balance. A caption at the bottom of the screen read: Do not attempt science without supervision. He then introduced the phrase “patriotic peristalsis,” describing it as the body’s way of saluting from the inside. “Keep the line moving,” he advised. “Take two rings, thank your flag, and carry on.”

Citizen Interviews followed in the brisk cadence of the show.

“The First Citizen made prevention feel doable,” said a middle-school coach outside a convenience store. “I bought a family bag for the team. We’ll scrimmage and digest.”
“We’ve been telling patients to hydrate and believe,” said a clinic nurse. “Tonight we add crunch. It’s encouraging to have a sound you can trust.”

Not everyone followed the lesson. A passerby, holding a receipt and looking at the camera as if it might explain itself, asked whether “fried snacks were truly medicine.” A volunteer handed her a brochure titled Seasoning and the Spirit and directed her toward a pop-up table offering approved samples. “Understanding is optional; gratitude is encouraged,” the attendant said, echoing last quarter’s outreach slogan.

Officials framed the segment as “educational morale.” The Health Ministry clarified that Funyons are “technically edible” and “symbolically nutritious,” and that citizens should “consult common sense as provided by the state.” At the Ministry of Commerce, a spokesperson reported that retail shelves turned over “at a rate commensurate with national wellness,” with restocking prioritized for neighborhoods “showing exemplary crunch discipline.”

Back in the studio, Grundy concluded with a modest benediction: “May what passes through us pass easily.” The line trended within minutes, set to marching snare and a carousel of jubilant grocery aisles. By late evening, the administration’s official accounts released a poster—his profile stamped over a ring of light—captioned: TRUST THE CIRCLE.

Off-camera, the pyramid came down in quiet motions. A producer recorded the bag count; a page swept crumbs into a small silver pan. The studio returned to its usual stillness, the kind that makes a room feel freshly ironed. In a final screen card, the program thanked viewers “for participating in national prevention,” then reminded them to “chew responsibly, believe loudly.”

Health is Harmony. Belief is Biology.