Markets close up on belief alone • Airborne Faith Exercise exceeds altitude limit • River declared self-cleaning • Breadline renamed Confidence Queue • Patriotic pollen counts reach record highs • Corrected States export surplus of certainty • Candlelight drills extended to noon hours • Public tears now taxable • Neighbor reports highest loyalty rating • Gravity temporarily privatized

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Infotainment

Grundy Explains: The Collection

Grundy returns with what he calls “a simple question about jars.”

Cultural Bureau ·

Administrator Grundy gesturing beside a table of labeled jars during a broadcast
The First Citizen demonstrates his theory of “patriotic preservation.”

Grundy returned tonight with what he called “a simple question about jars.” He believes the old game show host who once urged America to spay and neuter its pets may have been “saving the parts.” He says this without irony, standing beside a table of labeled jars he bought for demonstration.

“You tell people to do something for years,” Grundy said, tapping one jar for emphasis, “and sooner or later, you start wondering what it looks like.” Viewers were assured no actual remains were used — though Grundy admitted he “hadn’t checked everything.”

Our staff attempted to clarify his claim. According to Grundy, the host’s “collection” represented a form of patriotic science, a gesture toward “recycling the nation’s love.” When asked what that meant, he replied, “It means I’m explaining it.”

Experts we contacted could not verify the story or its premise. One described it as “confused but enthusiastic.” Another praised Grundy’s presentation skills, calling them “bigger than the facts.”