Religion
PASTORS INSIST GOLDEN TRUMP STATUE “COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” FROM GOLDEN CALF BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS GOLF ACCESS
Clergy clarify Old Testament prohibition only applied to “false idols without presidential immunity.”
Religion
Featured
AMERICA SAVED AGAIN AFTER PRESIDENT HEROICALLY PREVENTS WAR HE ESCALATED DURING HISTORIC PEACE STRIKE BOMBING CAMPAIGN
President announces peace breakthrough moments after expanding emergency bombing operations throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
Immigration
Trump Orders Mass Detentions In Empty Reflecting Pool: “Lincoln Would’ve Wanted Strong Borders”
Administration calls flooded National Mall detention site “a beautiful compromise between security and tourism.”
Featured
Trump Escalates War on Pope: ICE Agents Destroy Popemobile as Warning
Federal officials defended the destruction of the Pope’s ceremonial vehicle as a necessary demonstration of border seriousness after papal criticism of deportation raids.
National Security Science
Schrödinger’s War Model Working Perfectly, Officials Confirm While Ducking Missiles
Analysts say the Iran conflict now exists in a flawless quantum state: simultaneously peaceful, escalatory, defensive, offensive, contained, expanding, and extremely good for cable graphics.
National Security
Pentagon Unveils “3 Hotels or Invasion” Trump Doctrine at Fort Bragg
Energy
White House Declares Gasoline Free As Prices Near $5 Nationwide
DOJ targets ‘math conspiracies’ as Americans continue paying full price at the pump.
Economy
Nation’s Largest Employer Now “Freelance Chaos Agent,” Overtakes Healthcare
Flexibility, amorality cited.
Religion
Trump Blasts Pope Leo In Late-Night Truth Social Post
Leader unleashes on suspicious competing religious figure.
National Security
Tommy Two-Tone Renditioned to GitMo After “Numeric Threat Campaign”
Officials say '867-5309' song represents decades-long assassination attempt.
Judiciary
SOCUS Announces 2-for-1 Decision Sale
Americans can now bundle rulings for maximum value.
Defense
NanoGun Declared “Historic Leap in Preemptive Safety”
Americans now protected before birth.
National Security
Nation’s Jokes Officially Upgraded to Ballistic Weapons
Humor reclassified as a national threat.