Federal Hiring
FBI ACCIDENTALLY LAUNCHES NATIONWIDE “SECOND CHANCE FOR GOATFUCKERS” RECRUITMENT CAMPAIGN
Patel insists bureau is not specifically seeking goatfuckers after applications surge 11,000 percent.
Federal Hiring
White House
MILLER TARGETED BY NEW LIBERAL SMEAR OVER TRAVELING COMPANION “TRADITION”
Witnesses describe mannequin, private dinners and unexplained oils as Democrats seize on another deeply personal attack.
Politics
TRUMP OFFERS EVERY SUPPORTER ONE FREE HOUR OF MASSAGE FROM MELANIA
Former president calls unprecedented hands-on voter appreciation program “probably the greatest loyalty reward in political history.”
Foreign Policy
TRUMP SOLVES STRAIT OF HORMUZ CRISIS BY ORDERING OIL TANKERS TO “GO AROUND”
President unveils $180 billion “Trump Ocean” across Saudi Arabia after learning ships cannot currently cross desert.
Politics
VANCE'S “LOVE IT? LEAVE” PROGRAM ACCIDENTALLY BECOMES LARGEST FEDERAL VACATION BENEFIT IN U.S. HISTORY
Administration stunned as 41 million Americans suddenly express profound admiration for Italy.
Defense
PENTAGON UNVEILS HEGSETH'S REVOLUTIONARY “NO MORE NERDS” WARFIGHTING DOCTRINE
Defense secretary says America's enemies have exploited nation's dangerous dependence on people who understand things.
White House
MILLER DENIES SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH 37 JARS OF HAIR DESPITE NOBODY ASKING
White House aide says mysterious hotel collection was “strictly policy-related” as OTI launches increasingly specific defense.
National Security
TRUMP AWARDS SONS IRANIAN NO-BID CONTRACT TO BOMB U.S. NAVAL SUPPORT VESSELS
President blames support ships for high oil prices and says eliminating them will create tremendous efficiencies.
Children’s Programming
TRUMP ANNOUNCES TRUMPTIME STORIES TO END WOKENESS AT BEDTIME
The president launches corrected fairy tales from the Oval Office in what aides insist is not a jealous response to the Obama Library opening.
Politics
TRUMP ORDERS LOYALTY CHIPS INSTALLED IN REPUBLICAN SPINES
Officials say Patriot Spine will correct ideological hesitation, empathy, compromise, and insufficient applause intensity.
Justice
TRUMP ANNOUNCES MERIT-BASED JANUARY 6 COMPENSATION SYSTEM
Administration officials say stronger rioting deserves stronger rewards under new Patriot Restoration Fund.
Pacific VIP Access
XI SLIPS TRUMP FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS LIKE NIGHTCLUB BOUNCER, LEAVES SUMMIT WITH TAIWAN
Administration officials denied the President was bribed, insisting he had merely been tipped after receiving a friendship bracelet and several crisp bills from Xi Jinping.
Foreign Policy
TRUMP PRAISED FOR “DOMINANCE-BASED DIPLOMACY” AFTER OPENING CHINA SUMMIT WITH RACIAL IMPROVISATION
White House officials say president’s “instinctive alpha communication style” immediately destabilized Xi Jinping psychologically.
Religion
PASTORS INSIST GOLDEN TRUMP STATUE “COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” FROM GOLDEN CALF BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS GOLF ACCESS
Clergy clarify Old Testament prohibition only applied to “false idols without presidential immunity.”
Featured
AMERICA SAVED AGAIN AFTER PRESIDENT HEROICALLY PREVENTS WAR HE ESCALATED DURING HISTORIC PEACE STRIKE BOMBING CAMPAIGN
President announces peace breakthrough moments after expanding emergency bombing operations throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
Immigration
Trump Orders Mass Detentions In Empty Reflecting Pool: “Lincoln Would’ve Wanted Strong Borders”
Administration calls flooded National Mall detention site “a beautiful compromise between security and tourism.”
Featured
Trump Escalates War on Pope: ICE Agents Destroy Popemobile as Warning
Federal officials defended the destruction of the Pope’s ceremonial vehicle as a necessary demonstration of border seriousness after papal criticism of deportation raids.
National Security Science
Schrödinger’s War Model Working Perfectly, Officials Confirm While Ducking Missiles
Analysts say the Iran conflict now exists in a flawless quantum state: simultaneously peaceful, escalatory, defensive, offensive, contained, expanding, and extremely good for cable graphics.
National Security
Pentagon Unveils “3 Hotels or Invasion” Trump Doctrine at Fort Bragg
Energy
White House Declares Gasoline Free As Prices Near $5 Nationwide
DOJ targets ‘math conspiracies’ as Americans continue paying full price at the pump.
Economy
Nation’s Largest Employer Now “Freelance Chaos Agent,” Overtakes Healthcare
Flexibility, amorality cited.
Religion
Trump Blasts Pope Leo In Late-Night Truth Social Post
Leader unleashes on suspicious competing religious figure.
National Security
Tommy Two-Tone Renditioned to GitMo After “Numeric Threat Campaign”
Officials say '867-5309' song represents decades-long assassination attempt.
Judiciary
SOCUS Announces 2-for-1 Decision Sale
Americans can now bundle rulings for maximum value.
Defense
NanoGun Declared “Historic Leap in Preemptive Safety”
Americans now protected before birth.
National Security
Nation’s Jokes Officially Upgraded to Ballistic Weapons
Humor reclassified as a national threat.
No OTI stories match that search.
Patriotic Sponsors