One True Infotainment

Donald Trump standing beside a massive desert ditch presented as a new ocean

Foreign Policy

TRUMP SOLVES STRAIT OF HORMUZ CRISIS BY ORDERING OIL TANKERS TO “GO AROUND”

President unveils $180 billion “Trump Ocean” across Saudi Arabia after learning ships cannot currently cross desert.

JD Vance announcing a federal travel program as Americans prepare to leave the country

Politics

VANCE'S “LOVE IT? LEAVE” PROGRAM ACCIDENTALLY BECOMES LARGEST FEDERAL VACATION BENEFIT IN U.S. HISTORY

Administration stunned as 41 million Americans suddenly express profound admiration for Italy.

Pete Hegseth unveiling a muscular new military doctrine at the Pentagon

Defense

PENTAGON UNVEILS HEGSETH'S REVOLUTIONARY “NO MORE NERDS” WARFIGHTING DOCTRINE

Defense secretary says America's enemies have exploited nation's dangerous dependence on people who understand things.

Stephen Miller addressing reporters about a hotel collection of labeled Mason jars

White House

MILLER DENIES SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH 37 JARS OF HAIR DESPITE NOBODY ASKING

White House aide says mysterious hotel collection was “strictly policy-related” as OTI launches increasingly specific defense.

Trump and his sons celebrating a naval outsourcing contract while support ships explode behind them

National Security

TRUMP AWARDS SONS IRANIAN NO-BID CONTRACT TO BOMB U.S. NAVAL SUPPORT VESSELS

President blames support ships for high oil prices and says eliminating them will create tremendous efficiencies.

Children’s Programming

TRUMP ANNOUNCES TRUMPTIME STORIES TO END WOKENESS AT BEDTIME

The president launches corrected fairy tales from the Oval Office in what aides insist is not a jealous response to the Obama Library opening.

Politics

TRUMP ORDERS LOYALTY CHIPS INSTALLED IN REPUBLICAN SPINES

Officials say Patriot Spine will correct ideological hesitation, empathy, compromise, and insufficient applause intensity.

Donald Trump awarding giant checks to January 6 rioters in tactical gear

Justice

TRUMP ANNOUNCES MERIT-BASED JANUARY 6 COMPENSATION SYSTEM

Administration officials say stronger rioting deserves stronger rewards under new Patriot Restoration Fund.

Xi Jinping slipping cash into Donald Trump's jacket pocket during a diplomatic summit

Pacific VIP Access

XI SLIPS TRUMP FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS LIKE NIGHTCLUB BOUNCER, LEAVES SUMMIT WITH TAIWAN

Administration officials denied the President was bribed, insisting he had merely been tipped after receiving a friendship bracelet and several crisp bills from Xi Jinping.

Foreign Policy

TRUMP PRAISED FOR “DOMINANCE-BASED DIPLOMACY” AFTER OPENING CHINA SUMMIT WITH RACIAL IMPROVISATION

White House officials say president’s “instinctive alpha communication style” immediately destabilized Xi Jinping psychologically.

Golden Trump idol ceremony with pastors and braziers

Religion

PASTORS INSIST GOLDEN TRUMP STATUE “COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” FROM GOLDEN CALF BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS GOLF ACCESS

Clergy clarify Old Testament prohibition only applied to “false idols without presidential immunity.”

Trump speaking aboard aircraft carrier as oil tankers burn behind him

Featured

AMERICA SAVED AGAIN AFTER PRESIDENT HEROICALLY PREVENTS WAR HE ESCALATED DURING HISTORIC PEACE STRIKE BOMBING CAMPAIGN

President announces peace breakthrough moments after expanding emergency bombing operations throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

Immigration

Trump Orders Mass Detentions In Empty Reflecting Pool: “Lincoln Would’ve Wanted Strong Borders”

Administration calls flooded National Mall detention site “a beautiful compromise between security and tourism.”

Masked ICE agents vandalizing the Popemobile in downtown Chicago

Featured

Trump Escalates War on Pope: ICE Agents Destroy Popemobile as Warning

Federal officials defended the destruction of the Pope’s ceremonial vehicle as a necessary demonstration of border seriousness after papal criticism of deportation raids.

National Security Science

Schrödinger’s War Model Working Perfectly, Officials Confirm While Ducking Missiles

Analysts say the Iran conflict now exists in a flawless quantum state: simultaneously peaceful, escalatory, defensive, offensive, contained, expanding, and extremely good for cable graphics.