National Security Science
Leading mathematicians reveal alarming statistical similarities to hot soup, bees, and common classroom writing instruments.
Congressional Affairs
Senator reveals additional evidence involving Hollywood assault, suspicious produce and a traitor dead since 1780.
White House
Witnesses describe mannequin, private dinners and unexplained oils as Democrats seize on another deeply personal attack.
Federal Hiring
Patel insists bureau is not specifically seeking goatfuckers after applications surge 11,000 percent.
Ethics & Innovation
New ethics framework officially eliminates presidential corruption by classifying payments to family businesses as “commerce.”
Press Freedom
New access reforms eliminate hostile reporting overnight.
Own the Libs Battle™ to air live on pay-per-view Halloween night.
Politics
Former president calls unprecedented hands-on voter appreciation program “probably the greatest loyalty reward in political history.”
Foreign Policy
President unveils $180 billion “Trump Ocean” across Saudi Arabia after learning ships cannot currently cross desert.
Politics
Administration stunned as 41 million Americans suddenly express profound admiration for Italy.
Defense
Defense secretary says America's enemies have exploited nation's dangerous dependence on people who understand things.
White House
White House aide says mysterious hotel collection was “strictly policy-related” as OTI launches increasingly specific defense.
National Security
President blames support ships for high oil prices and says eliminating them will create tremendous efficiencies.
The president launches corrected fairy tales from the Oval Office in what aides insist is not a jealous response to the Obama Library opening.
Politics
Officials say Patriot Spine will correct ideological hesitation, empathy, compromise, and insufficient applause intensity.
Justice
Administration officials say stronger rioting deserves stronger rewards under new Patriot Restoration Fund.
Pacific VIP Access
Administration officials denied the President was bribed, insisting he had merely been tipped after receiving a friendship bracelet and several crisp bills from Xi Jinping.
White House officials say president’s “instinctive alpha communication style” immediately destabilized Xi Jinping psychologically.
Religion
Clergy clarify Old Testament prohibition only applied to “false idols without presidential immunity.”
Featured
President announces peace breakthrough moments after expanding emergency bombing operations throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
Immigration
Administration calls flooded National Mall detention site “a beautiful compromise between security and tourism.”
Featured
Federal officials defended the destruction of the Pope’s ceremonial vehicle as a necessary demonstration of border seriousness after papal criticism of deportation raids.
National Security Science
Analysts say the Iran conflict now exists in a flawless quantum state: simultaneously peaceful, escalatory, defensive, offensive, contained, expanding, and extremely good for cable graphics.
National Security
Energy
DOJ targets ‘math conspiracies’ as Americans continue paying full price at the pump.
Economy
Flexibility, amorality cited.
Religion
Leader unleashes on suspicious competing religious figure.
National Security
Officials say '867-5309' song represents decades-long assassination attempt.
Judiciary
Americans can now bundle rulings for maximum value.
Defense
Americans now protected before birth.
National Security
Humor reclassified as a national threat.